I haven’t posted here recently due to some heavy and painful moments that happened in the past month. One thing I’ve noticed in regards to myself is that writing and music helps me pass through the pain and emerge stronger on the other side. It’s a bit like being reforged into someone new, but first you have to pass through the flames of pain, fear, and/or shame.
What have I passed through?
The loss of a relationship, where I was rejected in the end. Such rejection always hurts, but all you can do is let it go. The love you felt for that person may still exist, but sometimes in life, if you truly love the person, you must let them go. Move forward one step at a time. I tried hard this month to try to forge what was lost into a friendship, but over time, I realized that I was the only one nurturing that garden. Accept this as it is. Will it change in the near future? I don’t know. As she often says: “We cannot predict the future.” I have given all I have, and it was not enough; in fact, it only served to wedge us further apart. So I will let it go. I will always be open to this person, and willing to be their friend. But it’s not my decision in the end. They have to choose to nurture their side of the friendship. It seems she does not have the time or energy, and can no longer see me as I am. If that is where she is right now, then I will accept it as is and let it go.
Move forward one step at a time. I will no longer weep for roads untraveled. Yes, the roads I could have traveled with that woman could have been amazing, but it is not to be. Let go and pass through to another day. I will not give up on finding someone who I can share my life with, nor give up on repairing my situation in life — my life will improve, and somehow, someday I will not just be surviving from paycheck to paycheck, but actually thriving, where I’ll be able to have a savings account and live somewhat comfortably. I will not give up this hope, and I will try to be proactive and positive in how I deal with the painful and crappy obstacles life may throw in my way. That is all one can do in such times.
Another thing I did this month: I finally sat down and wrote down my spiritual story in all of its complexity. It was a painful journey, but I did it because it’s time. Time to let all that pain go, to pass through it, and be reforged into someone new. I plan on going through and editing it a bit, and maybe, I will post it here. At the moment, a friend of mine asked to post it on their site in their “These Hallowed Grounds” series, and so I said yes as long as I stayed anonymous for the time being and the names were all changed. The response to that amazed me. That story touched and transformed more lives than I ever thought possible.
So many times in my life, events have happened that have left me shocked, burned, hurt, but at the same time, events have happened that uplifted me and others, that brought joy to myself and those around me, and gave me hope. So many times in my life, I’ve made mistakes, but so many other times, I’ve done great good and achieved bits and pieces of my hopes and dreams.
The song above really hits home, for it reminds me of my story. How so much has become between me and my family and my friends — some of it sour and some of it good. There are so many times where it feels like all that is between me and my loved ones is teardrops, for it feels like my life is nothing but a huge battle zone, where I fight to survive. Fight to be heard. Fight to be seen as me and not as an image someone else projects upon me. Fight to not be defined by what has happened to me, but defined by my integrity, my personality, and my inner strength.
My actions do mean something, and they do have an impact on others. Sometimes it’s a bad impact, and for that, I grieve and learn from the mistakes. Sometimes it’s a good impact, and for that I celebrate and remember what I did right. This month I learned two things:
- Sometimes when you sit down and share your story, it not only helps you but others as well.
- Sometimes when you try hard to be there for someone, you end up pushing them away. Sometimes you can’t help that person, and what you have to offer isn’t what they need right now. And it’s best to let go. To just let it go. So I did, and I will take the time to learn from it.
I have always tried hard to live a life of love, and sometimes I fail at it. Fail at it so spectacularly, that all I can do is grieve for what happened, let those emotions pass through me, and stand up and move forward yet again. I’ve learned from it, and now I need to apply it. Recreate myself yet again.
We are not static, and every moment of our lives is a chance for change, for moving forward one step at a time. We just need to accept the mistakes we’ve made, accept the random events that pop into our life – good or ill, and to act proactively, where we seek a way to not just survive the sour situations that may slam into our lives, but to also thrive through it and come out of them stronger and better than before.
This is where I am. I am writing through my hard times, and someday soon I will come out the other side into a better future. I just need to keep writing, keep trying, and most of all continue to try my best at living a life of love.
Life without interior change is deadening, as you know. Believe in yourself as a person valued and loved by God. Love you,