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Art: Fractals — My Process

Posted by Aibird on June 18, 2017
Posted in: Art, Author. Tagged: , , , , . 1 Comment

Note: I’ve been off and on ill, so am starting to get back on my feet. I hope to start regularly posting again soon. Without further ado, here’s a piece I’ve been working on lately.

I have posted with my poetry fractals I created. So I wanted to go over a bit on how I create these. I always start with a base design in my head of what I’d like to recreate in fractals — this is often an abstract design, but sometimes I’ll have a set of colors and themes that I want to cover. (I especially do this when I create a piece for a friend. I think of all the attributes and identities that make them who they are, and then try to create a fractal that best represents that sum.)

Fractals are basically painting with math and programming algorithms. The program I use is Apophysis 7.x, but I also use Chaotica.

A big difference between the two programs is how the geometry part of fractal design is done. Apophysis uses triangles, which can be manipulated across a coordinate plane (Cartesian coordinates are used). However, Chaotica uses vectors in a Cartesian plane — each variation is two vectors that can be oriented in any direction within that plane.

Although Chaotica tends to have a more polished feel to some of the finished designs, I can’t render the full resolution I want without paying for the entire program. (Which I simply don’t have financial resources for that yet.) However, Apophysis 7.x is a free program, so that’s the primary one I utilize and the one I will describe within this blog.

I add in very little of my own programming to adjust the fractal as I use the program to do most of that. Both Apophysis and Chaotica have a wide variety of features to help artists fine-tune and diversify their designs. Below is a highlight of some of the features I utilize to create my designs:

When I start a fractal, I will either start with a blank flame or with a starter flame. Whenever Apophysis starts up, it automatically loads up a list of incredibly random starter flames. Most are nonsensical and I ignore them, but some make for great starting points. I take that starter flame and reset the geometry of all the triangles, then I look through the variations and variables the starter flame used and adjust them more to my vision.

To adjust that starter flame into the vision for my design, I open up the Apophysis Transform Editor.

  • Triangles are the color-coded based on the flame transform. The top row gives me a lot of options on what type of transform I want to create and if I want the transform linked to any existing triangle transforms.
  • Next, I go to variations. I have some add-ons that give me a total of thirty variations. Once I pick them, I select the “hide unused variations” so I could focus on the ones I was using for this piece. The right hand side, where the tabs are, lists all the different aspects that can be altered to create a fractal.
  • Variables is where I fine-tune the variations selected.
  • Xaos gives me the option to adjust the paths between the two transforms, and the weight of those paths.
  • Colors lets me fine-tune the color palette.
  • Transform is where I can adjust coordinates — there is also an option to use Cartesian or polar coordinates for the transform.
  • Triangle is where the placement, size, angles, and other attributes of the triangles are adjusted.
  • Weight field provides me with the option of having a transform be prioritized (weighted) more than others, so its variations have a larger impact on the render.

This editor also has a preview box in the upper right corner, so I can get an idea if my adjustments are coming closer to my vision.

Apophysis editor

Once I have created my fractal, I then wait for the render to complete in the program’s main display screen to verify. Then I go to my next step, which involves the Adjustment Feature in Apophysis 7.x:

apophysis adjustment

Adjustments do not alter the fractal design like the editor does, but does affect how the fractal is presented.

  • The Camera tab lets you zoom in and out from the fractal. Adjust its position in space — to move the fractal up or down use X-position and to move it left or right use Y-position. Rotation is pretty straightforward as it just rotates the fractal in a 360 degree arcs.
  • Rendering tab allows me to adjust the Gamma, Brightness, Vibrancy, Gamma Threshold, and Background. To see some definitions, check out the glossary here.
  • Gradient adjusts the colors in a multitude of ways. The color palette is a wide spectrum, and by rotating the spectrum, a different set of colors may become more prominent depending on where you are in the spectrum.
    • The hue, saturation, brightness, and contrast all adjust the look of the image.
    • The frequency and blur options affects the colors in the palette – how often certain colors appear and how much they blur into each other. Use too much blur, and the color palette ends up one muted color.
  • Image size adjusts the size of the image. I often set it for 2000 by 1600, so that I can easily scale up to my preferred render size of 6000 by 4800 (best for printing).
  • I love playing around with the Curves feature as that can cause other interesting changes to the appearance by altering the relationship between brightness and contrast and highlights.
  • Adding some perspective can give them a more 3D look.
  • Scale relates to zoom, but focuses on the fractal, why the zoom sliding scale focuses on a coordinate in space.
  • Depth blur differs from some of the blur variations in that it applies to the entire image rather than just one transform. Add in too much depth blur and strange spherical artifacts or smudges may develop, which could assist with a design or make it worse.

There’s other interesting features within Apophysis that can diversify the type of fractals. For example, I sometimes use Apophysis’ mutations feature, which are randomized alterations for the geometrical paradigms of my variations. This can be helpful if I’m feeling stuck and can’t get the geometry of the transform to render into the right visionary idea.

Sometimes I’ll go into Photoshop after I render an image in order to overlay several different renditions of the same fractal to get a manipulated one that has more of the features I wanted in the final design. Other times, I may combine several different fractals into one image to create a scene and Photoshop is useful in merging the different fractals seamlessly.

If I do a raw fractal, that means I didn’t do any manipulation in Photoshop.

So that’s a basic run through of some of the stuff I do when I create fractals! Feel free to ask any questions. Just be aware, this post isn’t meant to be a tutorial. It is just to explain some of the features I use the most when creating fractals in Apophysis 7.x and the basic design process I use.

Music: Improvisations on Keyboard

Posted by Aibird on May 14, 2017
Posted in: Author, Music. 1 Comment

I often will sit down at my keyboard and improvise songs. I tend toward minor keys because I enjoy their emotive power. Relative minor often has a lighter, sadder sound than harmonic minor, and it is fun to modulate between the two types of minor keys. I also will modulate to a major key for contrast and to provide a deeper sense of mood changes, as it feels more powerful when the song returns to minor keys. I do not plan these pieces. I just sit down, put my fingers on the keyboard, think about what key to start in, and then just start playing. I let the song take me where it will.  For me, this is a way I can express and process tough emotions in a healthy manner, so it’s therapeutic for me in a way.

So without further ado, here are my most recent improvisations that I recorded on my TASCAM Recorder within the last few months.

National Poetry Month: Sequence of Tanka Inspired by Break My Fucking Sky’s Album Final Breath

Posted by Aibird on April 29, 2017
Posted in: Art, Author, Music, Poetry, Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Drift on winds of time
pulsating drone spears the heart
A tremble of notes
Sprinkled atop harmony
wraps around the panicked mind.

.

Feet crunch broken rocks
gloved hands release the stairway
alien landscape
ripples with mirages, heat
above the star gleams blood red.

.

Hurricane of pain
stabs the mind, body with fire
energy zaps through
body freezes with a snap
My breaths hurtle in a race.

.

Crescendo vibrates
Rise of melody in tune
with the soaring mind
Splendor of a red-hue world
Rapture in a dark blue sea.

 

Source of Inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3dQ8kk73RY

 

Fractal created by myself in Apophysis 7.x. I decided upon this one because of the sense of otherworldly vibe it gave me.

Interlude of Truth: The Saga of a Bird and From Order to Chaos

Posted by Aibird on April 24, 2017
Posted in: Art, Author, Poetry, Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , . 3 Comments

An Introduction of Sorts

This is a sequence of poems and fractals — many of the poems I wrote in 2016, though bits of the first segment (I) is from 2015, and the final segment (V) was from 2017. Both the fractals and poems explore the beauty I shared with my former partner but also the psychological abuse I suffered. Much of which I don’t think she meant for it to happen, but it slowly evolved that way, where it culminated in my triggers being used against me, my mind a broken mess. My panic attacks are often a burst of emotions, a flurry to get the scary situation away from me, and I was demonized for it — a whole friend group gaslighted me until I thought I was losing my mind. I tried to kill myself three times in the span of three months. One of those desperate attempts to escape landed me in the hospital for a week. I had no idea, at the time, how to leave my partner nor how to shake her hold on my mind.

Yet, at the same time I recognize the above, I also recognize that I loved my former partner with every ounce of my being during the relationship and I still love her now. I still miss her today even though I know she and I were not healthy for each other. I still treasure the beautiful memories, but I cannot escape the painful ones. In hopes of healing, I had asked for no contact in December for at least six months, but her words that day left me in fear, so I backtracked on my request. But in February, I finally got my wish of no contact in a very tragic way that nearly destroyed me. And yet, I still wish the best for these people and my former partner. That someday they too may heal and grow as people. Because I still care about them, and I know they too were hurt by the chaos of what happened.

I am not a perfect person, and I struggle with my PTSD a lot. I struggle to maintain healthy coping mechanisms. I struggle to articulate my thoughts in a concise manner that makes sense. I struggle with past trauma that sometimes, despite my best efforts, spills into my current interactions with people. As much as I struggle, I also work hard at trying to be a more loving, gentle, and accepting person. My mantra is to live a life of love, where I do my best to not cause harm but to apologize if I do and where I try to uplift others, to listen, to learn, to be better.

I also recognize that I take people at face-value and I suck at subtlety. I want to think the best of everyone. Yet I also recognize that I have to take a stand. I cannot allow a group of people to silence my story yet again. To tell me my story isn’t valid. That my hurt is out of context, that what I suffered is mis-remembered or wrong. That their view is more correct. No, that is gaslighting, and I’ve had people do this to me so many times in my life. That is never okay.

My perspective is just as valid as their own.

So below is my story in poetry and fractal form. It is my Truth. It happened to me. The beauty, the love, the pain, the terror, the panic, the fear. All of it happened to me and I am still recovering from it. My story has not changed — these poems were written throughout the past two years. The fractals were created within the past six months. This journey is a mixture of beauty, pain and great fear, but friends and siblings – some new and some I reconnected with — remind me that there is hope. Just the other day, my younger sister said to me that nature overcomes all obstacles. Ivy grows up over walls. Flowers grow through cracks in cement, and I too will grow again.

Saga of a Bird

I.

Crosslegged on the floor, bent over a journal,
the penciled images crisp, leaping out with vibrancy
each character, each city emblazoned
with the soul of the creator.
Discussions and laughter erupt as the worlds
shared and built are unleashed
into the ramparts of time –
Frantic messages, calls that herald
fear — I rush to be present,
to bring hope —
safety.
Her beauty cascades through me,
in me,
each caress
like the moonlight on the snow,
the world encapsulated within my arms,
I am caught in a breath —
unspoken words surge like
flowers bursting forth
in spring’s warm embrace.
We together, in a dance,
as we navigate consent-
and our own pain and past –
seeking safety and comfort
in the arms of our love.
Interlude – Connections Form

A forest at my back
Mountains before me.
On its edge, I stand
Past, present, future converging
upon the risk to exist
in this heart of nowhere.

My feet stamp a pattern
in the grass and snow.
My hands weave the air
in braids that flow —
Energy laced, sweet to taste
in this heart of nowhere.

A figure stands in shadows —
eyes reflect moonlight,
faint ripples in their form,
tickling my sight.
Toward each other we step
in this heart of nowhere.

 ———–
II.

An invitation bursts from the ground-
a flower blooming –  dies at first sight
of the moonlit night, the leaves shriveled
from the lack of moisture and nourishment.

I do not want this invitation, I say no-
but the invitation hovers and sneers,
pushes and pulls, yanks and rips,
until I am shredded, and bow to its might
this makes her happy, and my no loses all power.
Down the rabbit hole I slide,
the world subtly changing –
as the bars of a cage descend.
Look in the moonlight,
the shadows dance like puppets in her hands —
not a cage, not a cage
they whisper into the night.
Interlude – Lost in the Dark

A flicker of light in the dark,
footsteps sunk into snow,
the starlight distant and grim,
as on time ripples and flows –

Don’t look in the pinpricks
of the rapids of our breath
that fluctuate like the river
of our barren, hopeless death.

There the golden city awaits,
A bastion of our despair
tangled in the mountain’s grip-
an icy grave bereft of care.

 ———–
III.
Miles above the ground, embraced by clouds –
each tendril of moisture a droplet of despair.
One foot in front of the other, I close my eyes,
the wire taut with tension, world eclipsed
with dreams shattered, hopes ground to dust,
I grieve for what is lost, one slip and I fall
arms spread wide, for a moment I’ll fly,
Only to crash into dirt, the bones crushed.
If we scream into the night, who hears it?
A puppy on the side of the road, its sides
labor to breathe, its innards split –
Drive away, look away, leave for dead.
If we cry into the night, who witnesses it?
I dance for the amusement of others, an entity
not distinct, my edges blurred and fragmented,
each person laughing at my antics, for I am a silly
absence of a person, there’s nothing to see–
Like the puppy I bleed into the streets,
each pump of my heart expels another pint.

Interlude – Erasure

Up and down, in and out,
Take her hand, what’s about,
She knows best, I know not,

My body shivers,
our pain quivers,
Panic delivers
the words uncouth.

Her words bite,
her words soothe,
Woven together,
In fragrant riddles.

———–

IV.

Under the light of the moon, she and I dance,
our fingers intertwined, we laugh in delight,
our lives entangled into one, our hopes
enshrined in a future together.

Seeds of doubt sprout like a virus,
infiltrating the sublime bubble
of love-struck blindness that shrouds
my growing fear — external connections
with others sliced off slowly,
the dreams suffocated by the smother
of a thousand little words
embedded like gangrene.

We walk under verdant leaves,
a bubbling brook sings past our reverie,
hand in hand, her warmth a reminder —
goodness is here, my doubts imagined.
Anti-viral medicine seeps through fear
And I believe each word said,
believe it is me, that I must improve.

I fall to the ground shivering, my breaths
short and agonized, her words cut
like knives and I desperately plead.
My panic a venomous virus that spoils
the wonder, and injects lifeless despair.
Doubt creeps, sickens me with memories
as I look upon the shredded guts
of a relationship shattered into dust.

Interlude – Broken

Do as she says?
Or not?

What –
who?
No, this isn’t right.
I need out.

Out.

What
is left
Of
me?

I’m scared.

———–

V.

The eye of my past balefully punches my gut,
tears through my synapses, as the world
watches on, unhindered by my silent scream
that rips apart my cells-

Shattered bits of me I pick from the dirt,
tears clog my throat and eyes-
up to the rumbling clouds, the howl of wind
I hold the ragged edges of myself.

The storm rages, the ice slams my face,
cuts the skin, and blood drips into my eyes
I can’t see, I can’t hear, the world vibrates
with the silence of a mind lit afire.

The repercussions ripple into the present,
touch the future, swathing both in despair–
yet the soul takes back what is lost.
The pieces reforged in the cycle of rebirth.

 

From Order to Chaos

  2.  

National Poetry Month: A Ghazal: Pain

Posted by Aibird on April 21, 2017
Posted in: Art, Author, Poetry, Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , . 5 Comments

National Poetry Month: A Return to the Ghazal

I originally wrote this poem on April 11, 2017 but debated posting it on my blog. It chronicles a journey I took recently, where it felt like my internal self was being erased by others and my story disregarded or distorted by others. I am still recovering from the aftermath of that. So for those who have experience gaslighting and abuse, know that you are not alone. Your story is valid; your experiences and truth is valid and important. (More background below the fractal.)

A Ghazal: Pain

Each breath pumps my lungs against a cage
Each step rattles my bones with howls of pain.
Bitter cold nips at my face – ices over my eyes
Crystals weave into my skin, spikes of terror.
Upgraded like a computer, I am no longer me,
Fight the subtle ruse, emboldened with sorrow.
Tick Tock, the clock warbles its soothing tune,
Up I float, twisted and gnarled, bitter with despair.
Endless fractals spiral out into infinity-
each yearn to escape the searing burns.
My upgrades don’t work as designed, fiddle, adjust,
Pressure mounts — the seams explode violently.
A knife subtly pointed, a turn of the head,
Darting, knowing look stabs — deadly laceration.
Dance to the tune of the subtle flute
Cry to whispered criticism, each twist an agony.
Circular, journey back to the source eternal
Roll back to my core, a burning ember of ruin.
Speak with the timbres of angels and demons
Each laced with the spirits of thunderous misery.
Hope twists and spins like a tornado howling,
Ignite the past to sweep out the vestiges of pain.
Fractal created in Aphophysis 7.x, where I used the geometry of a disc and the Julian 3D to create what looks like the innards of a machine. I wanted to represent what it felt like to have someone try to take away your reality and replace it with their own version of who they think you are or who they want you to be. Many people I thought I could trust have done this to me off and on throughout my life.
A bit of background: I have struggled for years to trust my own mind and my memories because of past abuse, and recently it happened again, where it felt like I was losing my mind due to the gaslighting folks did. But truth is, there’s nothing wrong with me — my story, my mind, my memories are valid and important, and I do my best to handle my PTSD in a healthy manner. I’m still striving to be more loving toward others and healthier about my illness. And I got to remember that and hold close to that truth.

If I want to live a life of love, I also have to do self-care for myself too. And that means learning how to stick to my “no,” so I don’t get pushed into situations I never wanted to be in. That’s something I’m hugely susceptible to — pressure me hard enough, especially if it’s done day after day for months — and I’ll do whatever the person wants, even if it harms me and is not what I want or need, because I just can’t handle that emotional and psychological pressure. I can recognize this tendency in me now and work toward ways to not give in to the pressure. This ghazal and fractal reflects this journey.  There are other poems where I’ve written about this journey as well. I may post those someday too.

National Poetry Month: Series of Tanka poems

Posted by Aibird on April 20, 2017
Posted in: Art, Author, Poetry, Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Shredded thoughts and dreams
combusts into fractured neurons
A maelstrom of pain
invigorated senses
illuminate the path home.

**

The sky splits open
and hail heralds the death cries
the fury of wind
rips and shreds the countryside
and lays bare our earths’ innards.

**

Harsh words penetrate
self lost in the halls of time
body forged in fire
words transform the soul and mind
but not all is left behind.

**

Fractal created by me summer of 2016. It’s a representation of the chaos of pain, and how we hide it all inside these confines of our demeanor, but sometimes it leaks free despite all our attempts to hold it at bay.

National Poetry Month: Octopoem

Posted by Aibird on April 16, 2017
Posted in: Art, Author, Poetry, Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

This was from a prompt given on Legendfire Writing Forum. Prompt was to write an Octopoem. Directions here.  The fractal I created in Chaotica rather than my usual Apophysis 7.x program.

Created by A Zingler in Chaotica

Embers

Scorching blue embers
Straddles fall leaves
Inside a small, thirsty forest
Then a screeching sand-storm
Sears and ignites the forest’s undergarments
It cavorts and careens like a skater on ice
burns through the fall undergrowth
the scorching blue embers.